why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
