I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
