I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
oh god the rape fog is back!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
