There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
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Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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