he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.