I hate all girls vehemently.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga