I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.