dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Did you pee in the oven last night??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”