I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
