I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
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My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
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It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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