Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
