We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
