Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im six kinds of drunk right now
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
