Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.