Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats