I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
