Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
