Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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