I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Randomize
