Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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