The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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