When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
