I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
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hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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