I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
