Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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