He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
