I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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