My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
