Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
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Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.