Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.