i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
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He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
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I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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