If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
