im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
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she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.