Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS