I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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