I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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