Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
