I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
