her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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