I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
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just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
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Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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