fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have already put on my inside pants.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?