I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?