i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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