Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.