She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she smelled like a LAN party
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.