You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house