I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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