the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
