thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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