My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize