I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
