Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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