omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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