I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
