The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
