Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
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A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped