with your own penis?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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