Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
