i just google imaged poop.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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